An Assetta Tale - The Rabid Squirrel

I am really a laid back kinda guy. There are times when I feel bad for picking on Assetta. I think to myself, "Self? You are being way to critical of this woman. No one on this Earth can be as bad as you are making her out to be - and not be on the 6:00 news in a body bag."

So I take a deep breath and let it out. I turn over a new leaf. I am the new and improved, Luther Von Dude. The, "Go with the flow", Luther Von Dude. Then, yesterday happened. We live in the north east, so during the humid summer months it is a bit chilly in the mornings and turns to sweltering in the afternoons.

Assetta arrived at work at her normal one hour late time and stopped in to say hi.

I smiled warmly in the new and improved, go with flow kinda way, "Good morning Assetta."

"Its a little chilly out there today isn't it?" Assetta was wearing her odd pink ruffly sweater.

"Just a bit." I offered.

There may have been a little bit more back and forth but in a nut shell that was the conversation and it ended without incident. Nice. Success even. I like the new me.

As the day went on and lunch came and went, it began to get warm in the office. Well, warm is a little bit of an understatement. I almost fell asleep at my desk. The only reason I didn't was that my keyboard was kind enough to wack me on the head when I would doze off.

There came a loud thundering roar from down the hall, "Who was messing with the thermostat?!" Ogre, the man in charge of the thermostat was somewhat enraged. He obviously didn't adopt my new and improved, go with the flow life philosophy.

Halcy spoke, up. I saw Assetta playing with it this morning.

Epilogue
Poor Ogre couldn't even yell at her in person because after Assetta, after turning the thermostat up to 80 degrees, left an hour and a half later for the rest of the day. She did receive a phone call that afternoon from a none to pleased Ogre.

I guess I sorta feel sorry for Assetta. I never realized that a person could be that clueless to the world around them. I relate to Assetta the same way I would a squirrel with rabies. I sort of feel sorry for her, but I know to keep my distance and understand that it would probably be better if someone would put her out of her misery.

I get Chicks. Geeks Guide to Dating.

Geek's Guide to Dating - part1

This post really only applies to male geeks.  Lets face it, if you are a female, you don't have an issue finding male companionship.  You may have issues finding a decent male, but actually getting the companionship is not an issue.  This guide is for us MALE geeks.
Being a geek, we have an arsenal of weapons to choose from when hunting a member of the opposite sex.  I will cover the basics.

Fix your Appearance

It isn't necessarily about your looks, but you do need to take them into consideration.  Sure, there are somethings you can't help, but there are so many that you can.  I shudder to think that I need to cover some of these but I will anyhow.

• Be Clean.
  Shower.  Shower and use soap and shampoo.  Shave your ass... not literally... but if you take it literally it won't hurt.  Believe me... Chicks dig a clean shaven Geek.  Brush your teeth.  Wear deodorant.  A chick will not look twice at you if you are dirty.  You will have a hard time finding a prostitute who will give you the time of day if you are dirty... unless she is a crack whore, and then she'll charge you double. (I am guessing... not speaking from experience)
• Consider your Threads
  Look, you are likely a frickin' genius and if you want to score with the ladies, you need to consider the clothes you wear. If you are a fat geek, then you need to be more conscious of it. The fatter you are, the classier you need to dress. Remove all food stains from clothing... scratch that. Throw all your clothes away and goto TJ Max and buy some new threads. DO NOT rely on your own judgement of what is cool. We worry about more important things than that, so rely on the people that work there. That is what they are for. Ask the chick at the counter, "Will you help me pick out a few good outfits." This is good practice for the general approach you will learn later.
• Practice facial expressions
  Look at yourself in the mirror.  Smile.  Smile again.  Laugh.  You are not normal, and being unique is ok, but you don't want to come across as a Troll, so just practice a little and iron out the big first impression features.

There are the basics for appearance.  Get them down.  This is 30% of the reason you are reading this blog post and not on a date right now.  Trust me.  I landed my chick and even convinced her to marry me. 

you know you want to wear a Funny Geek Cartoon T-Shirt.